The holiday season—what’s supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year”—can feel like an emotional minefield when you have cut ties with family. Everywhere you look, there are images of happy families gathering around festive tables, laughing together, and exchanging gifts. It seems like the world is focused on togetherness, and if you’re not part of that narrative, the holidays can hit hard.

There’s no escaping it—it’s in the ads, TV, and every conversation. People casually ask, “What are you doing for the holidays?” assuming you’ll respond with something like, “I’m heading home to see my family.” And every time the question comes up, there’s that brief moment of discomfort where you have to decide how much to share. Should you lie to avoid the awkwardness? if you’re honest and say, “Oh, I don’t talk to my parent anymore,” the response is often, “But it’s the holidays, you are supposed to be with family!” and suddenly, you are left with an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame, as if you are the one breaking some unspoken rule.

It’s the memories that come flooding back, too. You remember past holidays when you were together—the good ones, like the soft glow of Christmas lights blinking in the living room, the clutter of wrapping paper scattered across the floor as we tore into gifts with childlike excitement, and the amazing food we only got to eat during the holidays. But then, the nostalgia shifts. You remember the cracks—the tensions simmering beneath the surface even during those “perfect” holidays. Maybe they were always there, just easier to ignore when the house was filled with decorations and cheer. You recall the strained conversations after dinner, the uncomfortable silences that no amount of holiday spirit could fill. The underlying conflicts we swept under the rug because it was the holidays, and that’s what we were supposed to do.

Every holiday season, there’s that little voice inside of you asking if this could be the year to reconnect. Should you reach out? Should you try to mend the broken ties? You start to picture a scene where everyone gathers around the table, laughing and sharing stories as if none of the past pain ever existed. Maybe even sending a text or an email, testing the waters to see if a reconnection was feasible. Other times, you may wait for them to reach out, wondering if this is the year they’d want to rebuild what had been lost. But each time, the result was the same—either silence, which hurt deeply, or a brief, awkward exchange that only reminded me why we became distant in the first place. The truth is, some wounds take more than a holiday miracle to heal. Some may never fully mend—and that’s okay.

Tips for Making the Holidays More Manageable

It’s important to remember that breaking unhealthy family patterns often makes people feel like outsiders in their own families, especially during the holidays. By pushing back against usual family rules, you may upset the balance, and lead to feelings of being left out or misunderstood. However, this can be a sign of growth and courage—it takes strength to challenge what isn’t working to create healthier dynamics. While it might feel lonely now, breaking these patterns creates better relationships for yourself and future generations. Your courage may even inspire others in your family to change too.

Remind Yourself Why You Cut Ties

Remind yourself why you have cut ties or limited your interactions. Estrangement doesn’t happen out of nowhere. It happens because boundaries have been crossed, harm has been done, and remaining connected isn’t sustainable. So even though that little voice tells you to reach out, you have to weigh the emotional cost. For now, let that little voice speak, but don’t always act on it. Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is not reach out, recognizing that protecting your peace is more important than chasing a holiday fantasy. That voice may never fully go away, but you will learn to honor where you are, knowing that you can still have meaningful, joyful holidays even if reconciliation isn’t part of the story this year—or ever.

Go In With Honest Expectations

If you do choose to get together with family, go in with honest expectations. Setting realistic expectations can help protect you from disappointment or hurt if things don’t go as smoothly as you might hope. Instead of expecting everything to be flawless, accept that there may be moments of awkwardness, discomfort, or even conflict. Go into it with the understanding that progress, if any, will probably be slow and imperfect.

Honest expectations also mean knowing your own boundaries. Before you walk into that room or send that text, ask yourself what you’re willing to tolerate and where you need to draw the line for your own emotional well-being. If things start to become overwhelming, it’s okay to step back or politely remove yourself from the situation. You don’t have to stay in an environment that causes you pain just because it’s the holidays. Approaching the gathering with open eyes allows you to appreciate the good moments, no matter how small, while also preparing you for the challenges that may arise

Creating new traditions can be a powerful way to reclaim the holiday season and make it your own. If old customs feel painful or no longer serve you, consider starting fresh rituals that bring you peace and joy. This could be anything from spending the day volunteering, creating a cozy evening with your favorite books or movies, or even taking a solo trip to recharge. New traditions allow you to define what the holidays mean to you, free from past expectations, and can bring a sense of empowerment and healing as you create new memories on your terms.

Engage Your Support Network

Having support makes it much easier to cope during tough times. Reach out to a friend who is willing to listen and understand. Remember, your support system doesn’t have to be limited to biological family. Chosen family—friends, mentors, or anyone who offers love and understanding—can be just as valuable, if not more so, in providing the comfort and connection you need. Surrounding yourself with those who truly support and care for you can make all the difference, especially during emotionally challenging times.

If you're navigating challenging family dynamics, such as dealing with narcissistic or emotionally immature parents or family, therapy can provide invaluable support.

As you navigate the holiday season, remember that your well-being matters more than meeting societal expectations or chasing a picture-perfect holiday. It’s okay to honor your boundaries, choose connections that uplift you, and find comfort in new traditions that reflect your values and desires. Estrangement can bring complex emotions, but by focusing on what truly brings you peace and joy, you can create a holiday experience that feels meaningful. Whether or not reconciliation is part of your journey, know that you can still celebrate the season on your own terms, building a sense of belonging that comes from within.

Additional Resources

Looking for more information but don’t want to start therapy? Click on the button below and you'll find guidance on topics like coping with estrangement from parents or siblings, deciding whether to cut ties, recommendations for insightful books and podcasts, and dealing with grief after a loved one's passing. Whether you're searching for answers or just some comfort, this resource page has you covered.

Resources on Coping With Estrangement

Help Through Therapy

As a therapist, I specialize in helping individuals who face similar struggles. These relationships can be exhausting and confusing, making it hard to set boundaries, manage guilt, or find balance. Whether you are estranged from family, dealing with toxic family members or emotionally immature or narcissistic parents, I can offer guidance in building the emotional strength and clarity needed to make decisions that support your well-being, so you can enjoy the holidays without unnecessary stress. To see how I can help, click on the button below to schedule your free 20-minute consultation.

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