Coping with Disconnected,Toxic or Estranged Family

Find support for navigating toxic family dynamics and estrangement. These resources are for adults experiencing an emotionally charged separation or disconnection from a family member. It is for those of us who have had unhealthy relationships with family, where we feel compelled to cut ties to protect our mental health. This may be due to their lack of respect for our boundaries, the constant emotional drain from their behavior, or instances where they have pushed us away, ghosted, or abandoned us throughout our lives. It may also involve coming to terms with the reality that they will never offer the kind of family relationship you had hoped for.

This type of relationship is called “family estrangement.” Most of the resources here focus on situations where an adult becomes estranged from a parent, sibling, or another significant support person in their life, rather than on the perspective of a parent who is disconnected from their adult child.

What Disconnected or Estranged Looks Like

When I became disconnected from a family member, I didn't fully understand the hurt I was feeling. As I tried to make sense of the sadness, I told myself, "Well, they aren't dead." I theoretically could reach out to them, but doing so would often lead to more emotional pain. After discussing my feelings with friends who are also therapists, it became clear that what I was experiencing was grief. It’s somewhat ironic that, despite being a grief therapist myself, I didn’t initially recognize it as such.

Grief isn't limited to death loss.

In fact, any significant life change or loss can trigger grief, even if it doesn't involve a physical death. It can arise from divorce, breakups, chronic illness, job loss, fertility struggles, and more. Feelings of grief can include other emotions such as anger, guilt, relief, shame, resentment, or feeling numb to name a few.

Family estrangement is often a form of "disenfranchised grief" because, while the emotional pain is real, it's not fully recognized or supported by others. This is mainly because the loss isn't as clear-cut as a death.

Grief is a natural emotional response to loss or change.

family estrangement.

Estrangement can bring about significant feelings of loss

Letting go of the idea of having a "Mom," "Dad," "Grandparent," "Aunt” or “Uncle” and coming to terms with the reality of their actual role in your life.

  • Loss of a sense of belonging.

  • Absence of emotional, financial, or practical support.

  • Loss of a shared history.

  • Loss of family traditions.

Living With Family Estrangement

family estrangement.

Sibling Estrangement

sibling estrangement.

Cutting Ties

Deciding to reduce contact or cut ties with someone is never easy. I kept asking myself, 'Is it really that bad that I need to go no contact?' What if something happens to them while we’re not speaking? How would I find out what happened? How would I explain this to others? I’ve tried setting boundaries before, but they didn’t work. What will be different this time? With the right support, you can determine what boundaries will work for you, even if that means cutting ties completely. These articles are a good starting point, but many people find it helpful to talk to someone outside the situation for a more unbiased perspective. If you don’t have someone like that in your life, a therapist could be a great option.

cutting ties with toxic family.

Book Recommendations

General Podcasts

dog listening to podcasts.

Managing Holidays When You Are Estranged

holidays with estranged family.

"Bah! Humbug!" I used to love the holiday season, but as life became more complicated, my feelings changed. I dreaded the questions from coworkers about my holiday plans. Although they likely intended it as a simple inquiry, it stirred up intense emotions for me. I wondered if they really wanted to hear the whole story behind my reasons for not seeing them. Even when I did share, responses often included, 'But that’s your family! You’re supposed to be with family during the holidays.' I hear similar concerns from clients who have come to dread the holidays and some even return to therapy from October through February for extra support. With so many images of happy families during the holidays, it can be tough to feel like you’re the only one who doesn’t have that.

Managing Estranged Aging Relatives

estranged family & aging relatives.

As people age, relationship dynamics often shift. Traditionally, adult children—especially women—are expected to care for the aging relatives. However, little is said about the challenges that arise when you have a distant or nonexistent relationship with them. This change in roles can evoke a range of emotions, such as resentment and guilt, especially if you feel obligated to help despite past issues. You might find yourself torn between a sense of duty and unresolved feelings of hurt or anger from earlier experiences. It can be reassuring to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE in these feelings. While support groups are highly recommended, they may not always be accessible. To help you manage these emotions and provide tips on setting boundaries, here are some articles with practical suggestions.

Articles:
Caring for Aging Parents Who Didn’t Care for You

Becoming a Caregiver When Your Parent Wasn't There for You

Caring for Estranged Parents: 3 Important Considerations

Caregiving for an Aging Narcissist: Navigating the Challenges with Compassion

How to Deal with an Elderly Narcissistic Mother

How to Manage Narcissistic Parents as They Age

Grief After The Death of a Complicated Relationship

grief and complicated relationships.

You have an estranged family member and have come to terms with the relationship. You cope with them missing important milestones and not being involved in your life. You might have felt a sense of relief, free from the emotional stress that used to weigh you down.

Then they die and everything shifts again.

You've thought about how you would respond in this scenario. It may hit you as expected, or you might be completely thrown off by the emotions you’re experiencing. With grief, any emotion is okay. It’s okay to feel sad, and it’s okay to feel a sense of peace. However, grieving someone who is estranged is often complicated. Here are some articles to help you sort through your feelings and find ways to understand your grief.

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Questions? Need Support?

If you have questions or need support, please reach out to me! This journey can be difficult, but you don’t have to walk it alone.

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Adding to this Page…

I am continuously adding to this page as I get new information so come check back to see new additions. If you have any resources that you have found helpful but are not listed please email me as I would love to add them: henry@therapyforpetpeople.com

Please forgive any typos or broken links. As an ADHDer it’s a challenge for me to keep up but I am making it a priority as this page is truly a labor of love. Be sure to forward the link to others in your life who may benefit from this information. Bring some food and water as this is a deep deep dive into all things neurodivergent.