You're walking through the store, and suddenly there they are. Pumpkins. For some people, it's a reminder that fall is coming, and they're already getting excited about the holidays.
But you see them and feel your stomach drop.
Maybe the holidays mean dealing with difficult family members, navigating awkward gatherings, or being reminded of relationships that aren't what you wish they were. And even though it's only September, you're already thinking about what you're going to do when the holidays get here.
I've worked with plenty of people who start dreading the holidays long before November or December. When you have a history of complicated family relationships, it doesn't take much to bring those feelings back. Sometimes all it takes is walking past the pumpkin display at the grocery store.
Why Holiday Dread Shows Up Early
For many people, holiday dread comes from years of experience with their families. Maybe you already know someone is going to make a comment like, "That's fake news, you've been brainwashed by the leftist media." Or there's the familiar, "Are you sure you should be eating that?" And one of my favorites, "Must be nice to sit around in pajamas all day and call it work." Of course, when you get upset, you're told, "Don't be so sensitive, it was just a joke."
Sometimes you're anxious because you know exactly what's coming. You've been through enough family gatherings to recognize the patterns, and you're already anticipating having to deal with them again.
For neurodivergent adults, there may be another layer. The noise, crowded houses, changes in routines, and pressure to socialize or mask for hours can be exhausting, even when you're spending time with people you genuinely enjoy.
And then there's the expectation that everyone should come together and act like one big happy family, regardless of what's happened throughout the year. It's understandable that seeing the first holiday decorations might bring up feelings you'd rather not deal with quite yet.
You Try to Ignore It
Maybe you tell yourself you're just not going to think about the holidays yet. It's only September, after all. Why start worrying about something that's still months away?
But sometimes the stress shows up anyway. You might find yourself snapping at your partner over the dishes, only to realize you're already irritated because your family keeps asking about holiday plans. Or maybe you unexpectedly burst into tears during a commercial showing the kind of family gathering you've always wished you had.
Stress can also show up physically. You might notice more headaches, tight shoulders, difficulty sleeping, or feeling exhausted even when you've had plenty of rest.
And sometimes you're doing just fine until someone casually asks, "So, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?" Suddenly, you're right back to thinking about everything you've been trying to avoid.
Hoping This Year Will Be Different
Maybe you tell yourself, "This year I'm going to stand up for myself, and they'll finally listen." You practice conversations in your head, imagining how you'll respond when someone makes that familiar comment. Or perhaps you picture everyone sitting around the dinner table, actually enjoying each other's company for once.
I think it's pretty normal to hope things will be different, even when you have years of experience suggesting otherwise. Sometimes family relationships do improve, but that usually takes more than one person deciding they're going to handle things differently.
It can be painful to keep hoping for a different experience and then leave another holiday gathering feeling disappointed. Especially when you've spent so much time preparing for it.
Missing the Thing That Never Happened
One of the hardest parts of the holidays can be grieving something you never actually had. A client once described it to me as, "I'm missing the thing that never happened." I've thought about that a lot since.
Maybe it's the peaceful family dinner where everyone enjoyed being together without someone getting upset. Or the hug that actually felt safe and comforting. Sometimes seeing other families enjoying their holiday traditions reminds you of what you wish your own family had been like.
You can grieve those experiences and still love your family, maintain contact, or hope certain relationships improve. Those feelings can exist together, even when they're complicated.
What Can I Do About It?
Reflect on Your Values
Before agreeing to a holiday gathering, I think it helps to ask yourself why you're going. Is it because you genuinely want to spend time with certain family members? Because a tradition still matters to you? Or are you going mostly because you feel guilty about saying no?
Maybe you really want to see your sibling, even though being around the rest of the family is difficult. Or perhaps you're a parent who's trying to figure out how to maintain family relationships without exposing your children to the same hurtful comments you grew up hearing.
Sometimes your values pull you in different directions. You might care deeply about family connections while also wanting to protect your own well-being. And depending on your circumstances, you may not have complete freedom to choose whether you attend.
The point is to understand what matters to you so you can make whatever choices are available, rather than automatically doing what everyone expects.
Set Realistic Expectations
Setting realistic expectations means thinking about how your family usually behaves, rather than hoping everyone will suddenly act differently this year.
If Uncle Joe brings up politics at every gathering, chances are he'll do it again. You might decide ahead of time that you're not getting into that conversation, or that you'll step outside when things get heated.
If you have the option, consider driving yourself, staying for a shorter visit, or making other plans altogether. But I also know it's not always that simple. Maybe you depend on family financially, have caregiving responsibilities, share custody of your children, or know that setting a boundary could lead to retaliation.
In those situations, the question may be what you can realistically do to make the gathering more manageable. Perhaps you can spend more time with a relative you enjoy, take breaks when possible, or arrange to talk with someone supportive afterward.
You don't have to come up with the perfect holiday plan. Sometimes you're just trying to figure out how to get through a difficult situation with the options you have.
Ask for Help
Sometimes it helps to have someone to talk to who isn't going to respond with, "But that's your family," or try to convince you to forgive someone before you're ready.
I'm Dr. Christine Henry, a licensed psychologist who works with adults navigating complicated family relationships, estrangement, and grief. In therapy, we can talk through what you're dreading about the holidays, what you wish were different, and what options you realistically have.
I won't tell you that you need to cut contact with your family or that you should keep trying to make a difficult relationship work. Those are decisions we can explore together, and sometimes there isn't an easy answer.
I offer a free 20-minute video consultation if you'd like to see whether we'd be a good fit.
Resources for Difficult Family Relationships
If you're not ready for therapy or just want to do some reading on your own, I've put together a resource page on family estrangement and difficult family relationships. It includes articles, tools, and other resources that may help you think through what you're experiencing.
And if you're feeling guilty about setting boundaries or skipping family gatherings, I've also written about navigating holiday guilt after cutting ties with family.
FAQ: Holiday Dread, Family Stress, and Complicated Grief
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Holiday dread can start early because your brain and body remember what this season has meant before. If past holidays involved conflict, criticism, political arguments, grief, pressure, or emotional shutdown, your nervous system may start bracing as soon as the reminders show up.
So yes, pumpkins in September or holiday music in October can suddenly make your stomach drop. You are not being dramatic. Your body may be remembering what your mind is trying to avoid.
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Yes. Holiday anxiety is very common, especially when family gatherings have not felt emotionally safe in the past.
You may feel anxious because you are anticipating judgment, conflict, guilt trips, comments about your body, political arguments, or pressure to act close with people who have hurt you. That anxiety is not a character flaw. It is information.
Your body may be saying, “Hey, we have been here before, and it did not feel good.”
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The holidays can bring up grief for what happened, but also for what never happened.
You may find yourself missing the peaceful meal, the safe hug, the warm tradition, or the family connection you always hoped for but never really had. That kind of grief can be hard to explain because you are not only grieving a specific loss. You are grieving the version of family you deserved.
That grief is real, even if other people do not see it.
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Start by asking why you are going.
Are you going because there is a person there you truly want to see? Because the tradition still matters to you? Because it aligns with your values? Or are you going because of guilt, pressure, fear, or the hope that this year will finally be different?
There is no one right answer. But your reason matters. A holiday gathering that supports your values may be worth some discomfort. A gathering that repeatedly harms your well-being may deserve a different kind of decision.
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Holiday boundaries can be simple and practical. You might decide how long you will stay, which topics you will not discuss, whether you will drive yourself, or what you will do if someone makes a harmful comment.
A boundary could sound like:
“I’m not discussing politics today.”
“We’re going to head out after dessert.”
“I’m not comfortable with comments about food or bodies.”
“We’re keeping the holiday quiet this year.”
You do not need a perfect script. You just need permission to protect your peace.
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Guilt does not always mean you are doing something wrong. Sometimes guilt shows up because you are changing an old pattern.
If you are used to putting everyone else’s comfort first, choosing your own well-being may feel selfish at first. That does not mean it is selfish. It may mean you are practicing something new.
You can care about your family and still choose distance. You can feel sad about missing out and still know that staying home is the healthier choice.
Dr Christine Henry, Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Christine Henry is a licensed psychologist and an animal lover. She focuses in working with other “Pet People” who are working through past trauma, grief, religious trauma and are neurodivergent or highly sensitive people. Therapy is available online in Houston Texas, Austin Texas, Indiana, Ohio and several other states.